The big move

I have lived in this small town since I came to USA. This is the town where I went to college, experienced the worst times of my life, found “D,” and I call it home. Many Indian students who come to our university do not like this town because there is nothing to do for fun. My case is different, I got used to the silence and simplicity.  I feel pretty safe here, and I love that it is calm. People are friendly and courteous. The last time I was in NYC or Texas it seemed like every one was in a rush. Texas was getting close to India in respect to not following the traffic rules. I was so annoyed when a person decided to reverse and do a U turn,  stopping traffic on either side. Everyone in NYC has a serious look on the face, and no one ever smiles at you. I know people there are very busy. I am also not a fun loving person. I feel uncomfortable with loud noises and am anxious in a night club. I would rather go somewhere close to nature.  I love the sound of a waterfall and the serenity of nature. Yeah, that is me “boring”, but I enjoy that.

I have been planing to move to my brother’s place for at least two months now. No, “D” and I do not have problems. My parents do not like me living here and want me to go live with my brother or my relatives. I get anxious when my parents tell me I have to move from here. They say that I am becoming  a frog in the well. They also hate it because they think I got lost here and forgot my aim. People from India come to USA to make it big in life, so they do not understand why I traveled thousands of miles from home to live in a small town with no great opportunities. On top of all this, “D” being here does not help any. They do not like the idea that we have so much freedom. They always pointed out that the only reason I live in D’s town is for D. That is true, but I do not admit that to them. I do not work locally, my job is done online, and I study. Therefore, according to them, it will be okay even if I live at my brother’s or with any of my relatives. They have a point there. I did not want to listen to them and move. I was worried if I leave this place, I will be under their control. They might force me to marry some one they like. I did not want to take that risk.

Now, we have finally decided to give in to my parents wishes. I am so happy because “D” is so understanding and is prepared to do what ever is necessary to get my parents’ approval. He totally subscribes to Indian philosophy that “marriage is a union of not only two individuals but also two families”. I have shown him a Telugu movie called “santhosham” very early on in our relationship. He got that philosophy from that movie. D’s family and friends ask him why he doesn’t he give me a ring. He tells them that he wants my parents’ approval before he does that. How Indian of him !!! 🙂 He knows I love my parents and does not like to put me in a place where I have to choose.

There are two main reasons for this decision:

1.   I have been talking to my parents about our marriage for at least two years now, and it is going nowhere. “D” even wrote a letter to them to make them feel at ease. Though it helped a little bit, it did not change them much. I feel they have a resentment in their hearts that I am not following Indian tradition by living here. That is why D and I decided that we should do things differently and maybe give something they have been asking for a long time.I want to show them, with my actions and not just words, that I still value Indian culture. I realize that I am the one that is dragging them through this unknown territory. Therefore, I think it totally makes sense that I hold their hand and walk them through it. I want to take the first step so they can feel at ease to take the next one. Hopefully we can meet some where in the middle. I also believe in losing a battle if that helps winning the war.
Also, I think at this point our relationship is strong enough that it can withstand this temporary distance. I think not leaving when my parents wanted me to, (since 2.5 years,) helped strengthen us.
2.  The other reason, and the most important one, is to improve my relationship with my brother. We were very close growing up. He was the best brother ever. We had an age gap, and so by the time he was a teenager, I left the house for my education.  We have not lived in one house for at least 10 years now. We kind of grew apart. We love each other so much and cannot imagine not being a part of each other’s life. Recently, we had quite a bit of misunderstandings. As I am the eldest, I want to take the responsibility and mend this communication gap before it becomes irreparable. My mother would be devastated if we grew apart. I need my brother. I think this is the perfect time to do this because once I marry “D,” I will not be able to find so much free time for my brother.
I also think it is perfect because this way I can come to my husband’s house from my brother’s, (parents’,) house like every traditional Indian girl does.:)

Though long distance is not good, I have confidence we will be okay. We will miss each other, but I am sure there will be no communication problems. I once had to go to Texas for 15 days to take a test, and we handled it quite well. That gives me confidence there will not be any misunderstandings. “D” is a mature and responsible man. I have no doubt in his abilities to take care of everything except his food. He cooks a little bit but not much. I do not like him eating frozen pizzas or any frozen dinners. Now, he goes to school and also works. He might be pretty swamped and might not have time to cook at all. He is a very skinny guy, so I worry. I mean, I have to lose weight if he becomes thinner. 😉  I hope he will not have cereal for dinner. That has been something that always pulled me back from leaving this place in the past.

I already made a pact with my mother that they should not place restrictions on me talking to “D” or force me into anything. I also told them they should allow me to visit D and his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My mother gladly agreed to everything because she is getting what she wants. I fear they might flip from their word, but I am not helpless. I am in USA, and I know I can get help.

We know it is going to be hard to stay away from each other. We are willing to go through this because this temporary separation will help us stay together forever.

Comment down below with any suggestions to deal with this situation.

Find my complete move story here

-R

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7 Comments

  1. Long distance is hard but as long as you both are committed it will go just fine. My guy and I did long distance US/UK for 13 months and what really helped us was having a schedule. We knew what time we would talk each day and always planned our next visit when we were together so we had something to look forward to. Also, I think you are doing the right thing with your parents. It will help them to see that D respects your relationship with them and values family. Is it possible for him to visit your family in India? Your parents being in their familiar environment might help them feel more comfortable and D putting forth such a big effort could help to win them over. It might them to see how serious he is regarding the relationship. Best of luck to you both and hope your parents come around soon!

    Reply
    • Raina

       /  August 25, 2013

      Thank you.I want him to go to India too, but not until my parents want him to be there. We do not want to put them in an awkward position, as that may cause resentment in future. Some say that we are trying to be too idealistic, but we do not want to start new ties with resentment. Therefore, we want to wait.

      Reply
  2. Awwww, I feel for you, girl…you will miss your BF so much, but I think it is good to spend some quality time with your brother. But maybe your parents are trying to shift your focus from your BF, back to your family….? Just stay strong, enjoy your visit, and return to your BF happily after…

    Reply
    • Raina

       /  August 19, 2013

      Yes I will miss him for sure. My parents have been trying this for at least two years now. They finally gave up because they did not think I will go. This is a totally voluntary decision by D and I. We felt that we have to try something different to get a yes from my parents. Because clearly what we have been doing is not working.
      I am certain that at this point they will not try any thing. lol.

      Reply
  1. Then, we landed… | Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam (VK)
  2. The first day at the new place… | Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam (VK)
  3. Defeating my biggest enemy ever…. | Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam (VK)

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