Who are you? Who do you want to be?

In the beginning of our relationship, I was seeing the pastor at our church at least once a week. That was because I was recovering from my jerky X’s backstabbing. One day, three months after I met “D”, I was at one of my scheduled appointments with the pastor. I do not remember why, but on that particular day, I was really happy about “D”. I told my pastor how I was feeling. I told him that “D” is the best, and he is so perfect. I told him he is the best man in the whole world and I went on and on about D’s awesomeness. After a while, I finally came out of  D’s magic and looked at the pastor’s face. He had an expression of disapproval. I said, “What’s wrong? You look like, you do not believe me. He is really a good man.” He said, “Okay just wait a minute.” He went to get a pen and paper and drew a graph as seen in the picture below. (I still have that paper. I made this official looking picture for your understanding):

Relationship= How good the relationship? (Higher number better relationship) Task= How many times are you getting your way? (Higher number getting what you want most times).

Relationship= How good the relationship? (Higher number= better relationship)
Task= How many times are you getting your way? (Higher number = getting what you want most times).

I know it is a graph and might intimidate some people. Do not worry. It is simple. As you can see from the graph, the higher the X- intercept number, the better the relationship. Higher the Y-intercept number, the more times you are getting things your way. Then he said that he thinks “D” is a teddy bear, and I am a shark. Yep , that is what anyone that see’s us will think. “D” has that look of an innocent , submissive introvert, and I obviously look dominating with a loud mouth.

He then said, “I think that “D”  lets you get everything you want because he wants  a good relationship.   Teddy bears are nice and cuddly short term, but that kind of approach will not be good for long-term. As he will not be able to continue this. What do you think?”

I said, “I agree with you that such an approach would be detrimental long term. No one can live all their life like that. I myself cannot do it for any one. What I disagree is your assessment of D. He looks like a teddy bear, but believe me he is not. He looks like that, but he is a very strong man. He gets what he wants. He would never compromise for anything unless he is totally convinced.  Now about me, people think I am dominating, and  they are right. I have been in the past. D is different. I knew the day I fell for him that I want to change for  him. I sometimes  fall back, but most of the times I am successful. I knew we would not have a chance if I continued with my tantrum throwing attitude, so I had to change myself.”

Then pastor said ,”maybe you are right. I do not know him as much as I know you. Let’s see how it goes. Don’t get attached too much. I do not want to see you brokenhearted again. Just be careful. Every relationship has fights. It is not common that we hear something like this.”

Then I said, “okay I will.”

Don’t get my pastor wrong, he is a very good man. At that time he just saw me go through hell and did not want that to happen again. He was there for me during the worst times of my life and was one of my greatest supports. I think he knows “D” better now then what he did  two years back. I am not sure if his opinion has changed or not. We have not talked about this for a long time. I would even today stick to all the things I told him that day and still feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I start talking about “D”. I think  the reason our relationship works so well is because I care for him more than he ever expected to be cared for,  and he gives me more love and respect than I ever expected to have.

I personally think I fall  somewhere between a fox and an owl depending on the situation. I want to work on it and practice being an owl more.  I think “D” is an owl most of the time. Maybe some rare occasions we both might be a teddy or a shark, but I do not think we will ever be a turtle. I think that is how  reality works. We cannot always be one animal. We change depending on the situation. After all, that is the  basis of a relationship. If one raises the voice, the other should calm down to avoid a conflict. If one is unhappy, then other should listen.

So, my question to you is who are you? Who do you want to be? Comment down below to let me know.


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  1. Hi raina,
    I liked your narration. It was flowing like a river. Well organised draft. I would like to be bit of this and that, for that gives the charm of life. . Always being a teddy won’t be good either..

    • Raina

       /  August 28, 2013

      lol. Thank you Barani. I also think that every one changes once in a while. It is not a perfect world and you cannot always get all you want. May be my pastor meant like what would be the most frequent character.

  2. Kamal.kar476

     /  August 26, 2013

    In the matter of hearts, often brain is forgotten. This should not be so. If your heart likes somebody, know more about him/her. Then ask your brain if the relationship would be fruitful or not. If brain advises against it, don’t go for it. Do not let emotions only rule you. Logic can not take a back seat.
    You can take the advise of pastor. But since you are more in touch with ‘D’, you can decide better,

    • Raina

       /  August 26, 2013

      Thank you for the comment. I think in D’s case my heart and brain are in unison. Over the last couple of years D has always proved me right on that.Pastor got softer and softer as he got to know D better. Hopefully my parents would be able to see that. Right now they are even scared to talk to him on the phone. We are giving them some time to become comfortable. I hope they will become comfortable with the idea before the time expires. 🙂

      • Hi raina,
        I liked your narration. It was flowing like a river. Well organised draft. I would like to be bit of this and that, for that gives the charm of life. . Always being a teddy won’t be good either.

  3. I think at times we all have the different characteristics of the animals depending on our mood and external circumstances. Also when two individuals come together as a couple, certain aspects of their personalities are enhanced and calmed down. Before I met Madhavan he apparently used to have a raging temper in which family members (both men and women) were scared to even speak to him. Lo and behold, when he brought me back to India with him, he came back a different person, they said. Now they say he is like a gentle giant. And my parents say the same about me, lol…that he has grounded me in a sense.
    Within our relationship over the years, there have been times where we go back and forth – sometimes I am dominating, sometimes he is dominating…both ebb and flow depending on the other one. You have to, in a long term commitment!

    • Raina

       /  August 26, 2013

      Yes you are right. Long term relationships call for understandings, compromise and at times sacrifices. One cannot get everything they want and still have a healthy sustainable relationship.

  1. “D” got promoted… | Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam (VK)

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